McSweeney’s List (19 November 2025)
I've been waiting for this one.
Tomorrow marks one year of me being alcohol free. I haven't been able to say that since I was 13.
Blah blah, complex trauma, neurodivergence, depression…the whys write themselves. I wasn't an all day drinker; I didn't fit the mold of someone who needed a fix to get through. Nonetheless, alcohol was part of every celebration, every sadness, and every well, we got nothing going on today, so…
There were plenty of red flag events that a lot of sane people would've taken as a sign, but I wasn't ready to see them. They were bumps in an otherwise smooth road, you see.
My parents let me drink at home when I was a teen, and I clearly remember them saying “we didn't mean every day”, but why not? It felt good. I suffered no ill effects. It was fun. Commercials, movies, and TV showed that fun could only be properly had with drinks, friends, a beach, and a convertible, but I only had drinks and friends, so let's give that a try.
Alcohol advertising is wild, and the hypocrisy crystalized for me when Canada legalized marijuana. Suddenly, the sale of pot leaf paraphernalia was considered marketing, and everything from goofy stoner socks to magnets were taken off the shelves. Why? I wondered. Why is it ok to sell a beer branded t-shirt but not a floating pot leaf? It undermines the argument that they're concerned about preventing the young’uns from romanticizing substances. Same for the sale of THC infused candies, and the banning of flavoured vapes: both are sold in 18+ spaces that require ID to enter, so the tempting to children (won't somebody think of the children) argument was always a false flag. Walk into any grocery store, and you’ll find colourful, high alcohol malt beverages boasting that they taste like a melted popsicle at eye level, right next to an ice tea. It's never about health, it's never about kids. If kids didn't look forward to drinking as a rite of passage, they wouldn't spend their 18th getting hammered, some even hopping the border to do so. They've already been primed to want it.
And I wanted it. Pre-game, drinks in my tote bag for smoke breaks if the bar was pricey, plus of course the drinks I looked forward to when I would finally get home from the drinking itself for Me Time Drinking. So how did I get sober? One morning I woke up after only 3 beers (I'd barely gotten a buzz), and I just didn't feel a hundred. Again. But this time, something clicked. It clicked that time and again, alcohol had left me feeling this way: not as high as I wanted, and then lower than I liked. It also clicked that for me, cutting down wasn't an option. As a binge drinker, I could go days without alcohol, but when I deemed it time to drink, I wanted all the alcohol. There was no in between for me, as evidenced by the times I'd been gifted enough booze to host a rager, told myself I'd make it last months, and was then surprised when it was all gone in a couple of weeks. Over and over again. Alcohol wasn't going to change, so I had to.
I'd thought of quitting before. See, I'm always doing this spiritual thing, and alcohol wasn't resonating with the heart of that. But you still smoke weed n shit, say the judgey on both sides of the sobriety debate. Yes, but here's the thing: I couldn't contemplate the big things drunk. I couldn't meditate drunk. Ever meditate on shrooms? It's glorious. Booze made me more likely to smoke cigs, make frivolous connections, say some shit just for the impact. Weed works hand in hand with my desire to walk barefoot in the grass, thanking Mother Earth with each step. Yes, there is an ideal where total sobriety is favored. There's another ideal where doing what works for you is the right path, and on that path, what works for you tomorrow may look entirely different than it does today.
In the interim I've learned that this is called spontaneous sobriety, and that my chances for relapse are smaller for having decided this way. That doesn't mean it was or is a cake walk. First, I told my bestie, who as a self-proclaimed functioning alcoholic, tried to help me bargain. He suggested it was the beer, and if I simply stuck to vodka (my preferred liquor) I could keep up my pace. Not helpful. Thankfully, my decision had been made, and I wasn't feeling flexible. To his credit, my bestie started making me coffee and never again suggested I drink. I've talked to people who fully don't get it: but you can just drink for a night, right? And of course my brain has tried to negotiate a path for that, but I recognize that voice as a part of my ego reluctant to die. It's not a part that has my best interest in mind, and so, it must be faced and slayed every time it shows up.
Ordered a sexy non-alcoholic drink at a fancy spot, got a candied lemon and a cookie!
While many people change their environment while getting sober (it's highly recommended), I didn't feel that need. I didn't miss a beat hanging with my friends at bars, doing shows at bars where the payment was a free drink. As a result, I can tell you which bars have the best non-alcoholic options. If I don't know the place, I check the menu before I go, finding the hidden non-alcoholic gems. N sur Mackay has coconut water, kombucha, and tea served in beautiful cups. Zach at Hurley's didn't bat an eye when I switched from booze to “sexy juices”, an order I invented that lets him work his magic mixing flavors and fizzes, and still gives me that “fun drink” feeling. In fact, when I'm at a bar that doesn't clearly have cool non-alcoholic options, I always ask for a “sexy non-alcoholic drink”, and I've scored some real winners. Plus, virgin piña coladas are really great.
There have been a couple of unaccommodating bars. One spot had Mocktails listed on the menu followed by a blank page. They didn't have soda, and most of their mixed drinks were prepackaged, so even getting a virgin anything turned into a whole deal I felt very uncomfortable about. Another bar charged $7 for a can of cola, which felt like a kick in the teeth.
A bag of bevvies is part of how I got this sober ball rolling. You can't cut a habit without replacing it, and even if I was cutting out alcohol, the habit of pounding drinks was screaming. I bought Bubly, sooo many energy drinks, diet soda, worked my SodaStream tirelessly. I even bought metal cups that hold about a can's worth of liquid so I could fulfill the physical urge of drinking, refilling, doing it again. But it would be disingenuous for me to say I didn't struggle. I was afraid that the smell of booze at bars would tempt me. As far back as I can remember, alcohol smelled delicious. Driving by the closed Seagram’s distillery in LaSalle, the haunting smell of alcohol soaked bricks and earth from 30 years ago would make me want a drink. I always knew that was a bad sign. But the smell of alcohol doesn't give me cravings now; it's the feelings themselves that made it hard.
You know that feeling when your workday is going to shit and it's not even noon, but you tell yourself when you get home you’ll have a drink and it'll be awesome? Ya, I don't have that option anymore, but I still get that feeling. I remind myself that alcohol never solved my problems, it only made me forget ever so briefly, and then the problem would still be there. I’d be more complacent, apathetic, and not performing at my highest level, allowing my problems to perpetuate in a way that my sober self will not tolerate. Well, it's about time someone around here drew and maintained boundaries. Way to go, Me! Still, there have been (and will be) plenty of moments where I'm anxious in a group, or blue and alone, where I feel the weight of this is when I would drink. And I just have to sit with those feelings. Sitting with uncomfortable feelings is some bullshit, and I will not be pretending it's a good time. But it's not a good time the way going to the gym is not a good time: the heavy lifting in the moment sucks. The feeling of having done it rocks. I get stronger every time. I feel like a million bucks in ways I didn't expect, and now I can't imagine ever choosing my old life again.
Alcohol is the poison we have decided to normalize. We shun cigs as gross, vapes as cringe, and while some drugs are socially acceptable sometimes, it's only alcohol that's allowed to sponsor events, take over billboards, and considered the polite thing to do at social functions. It's strangely ubiquitous, and to not drink is a badge, praised in some circles, derided in others.
It's super strange that the drug most associated with deaths including the deaths of others, domestic violence, and fetal alcohol syndrome, is the one we decided to embrace. Only alcohol can be fatal when you’re a hardcore alcoholic trying to quit. Not heroin, not cocaine, not cigs. Sure, the majority of people can drink without developing a problem, and yes, I believe in picking your poison, but with facts in hand: after years of gradually reducing the “recommended” amount of alcohol for responsible drinking, the World Health Organization now says there is no “safe” level. Per their website, “Alcohol is a toxic, psychoactive, and dependence-producing substance and has been classified as a Group 1 carcinogen by the International Agency for Research on Cancer decades ago – this is the highest risk group, which also includes asbestos, radiation and tobacco. Alcohol causes at least seven types of cancer.”
My messy drunk stories feel less burdensome now, because I know nothing like that will happen again. I'm freer, and make no mistake, still a completely damaged human. Regardless, I'm healthier because I make healthier choices now. I've been blessed with professional opportunities and personal relationships over the past year that I wouldn't have been able to participate in if I were still drinking, and I didn't foresee that.
I’ll always do shit for the plot, but Drinking Me had gloomier storylines. Quitting hasn't made me a different person, but it has forced me to face and love (or at least live with) the person that I truly am, even on the dark days. Better choices really do lead to better living, and all in all, that's one hell of a drug.
STILL MY FAVE WRITEUPS, EVERY DAMN TIME
JRG's late this month, and there are probably 23 other lit events by mags called like EFFLUVIUM and TON PIQUANT and LITTLE HORSE, but who gives, come here instead, it's more fun. We'll have the sly dangertaped of dangertaped.com fame (possibly slinging a new zine) and the screaming marionette known only as JONATHAN, plus the open mic that most resembles a honeybee beset by a parasitic worm flying into a spiderweb sparkling with dew, or something like that. You get five minutes (tops), don't play a guitar or uke or do standup, sign up when you get here. Bye.
WHAT: JRG “It's late, so what” Literary Open Mic featuring dangertaped and Jonathan
WHERE: L’Hémisphère Gauche, 221 Beaubien St. E., Montreal, H2S 1R5
WHEN: Thursday, November 20
METRO: Beaubien (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
GOT A GEE-TAR?
Experience an unforgettable evening at the Montreal Art Center Café with an intimate acoustic tribute night featuring Rully Marten!
Experience an evening of live acoustic music with Rully Martens and special guests, as they take the stage to celebrate the spirit of alternative rock and indie classics. Expect heartfelt melodies, raw emotion, and stripped-down performances that highlight the soul of each song.
Admission is $10 — This amount will be added to your bill at your seat. Food and refreshments are available to order.
WHAT: Open Mic / New Talents with Rully Martin
WHERE: 1844 William St, Montreal, Quebec H3J 1R5
WHEN: Thursday, November 20, Doors @ 7 PM, Sets @ 8 PM, 930 PM, & 11 PM
METRO: Georges-Vanier (Orange)
TICKETS: MontrealArtCenter
CRAFTS & COFFEE
Crochet at an art café with matcha, espresso, desserts, and other crafty characters, of course!
In this Crochet Knit Club workshop, you’ll crochet a beginner friendly tiramisu plushie! Workshop tickets include a dessert made in-house for this event. You can also hang and craft without doing the workshop. You know, for the vibes!
• $31 Workshop (BYOMaterials) + dessert included
• $41 Workshop + full yarn kit + dessert included
• $5 Social-only hang (special menu available!)
WHAT: Tiramisu Plushie Workshop & Social
WHERE: Artemisu Café, 4325 St. Denis St., Montreal, H2J 2K9
WHEN: Friday, November 21 @ 5 PM
METRO: Mont-Royal (Orange)
TICKETS: Eventbrite
READY TO WHINE
Back In The Day Dancehall Edition 2 is going down Saturday!
Back by popular demand, we’re turning back the clock for one unforgettable night of dancing, singing, and pure island vibes just like Back In The Day when dancehall was the soundtrack to your favourite parties.
Reconnect with your day-ones, your party crew, your bashment besties, and relive the nights when it was all about big tunes and having fun.
Keith Dean and Chops Wunda are holding it down and spinning every anthem that had you on the dance floor from Beenie Man, Sean Paul, Lady Saw, Elephant Man, Mr. Vegas, and all the classic reggae tunes you know word for word.
Pull up in your freshest summer fit. Come ready to whine, ready to sweat, ready to sing every chorus like it’s 2002.
This isn’t just a party, it’s a time machine back to basement jams, club nights, bashment house parties, and that one slow whine you’ll never forget.
Big vibes only. One love.
WHAT: Back In The Day MTL - Old School Dancehall Edition Part 2
WHERE:The Farsides, 690 Notre-Dame St. W., Montreal, H3C 1J2
WHEN: Saturday, November 22 @ 9 PM
METRO: Square Victoria - OACI (Orange)
TICKETS: Eventbrite
LADIES WHO LAUGH
Ladyfest is back to celebrate female, femme, and non-binary comedians! From up and comers to local legends, over 100 performers will be taking to various stages to make you laugh your socks right off. As it's a female festival, it feels very fair to say you might even laugh till you pee a little.
I don't have the space here to tell you about all the great shows (you can find them all here). I am, however, going to take this opportunity to promote my own show, because I'm super tickled.
Toast’Er is a Toast Battle. Ya, it's exactly what you think: a roast battle style compliment-off. Comedians in general don't seem wired to accept compliments, and women comedians even less so, but when you get us together, we genuinely have so much nice shit to say behind each other's backs! Here's our chance to give each other flowers publicly (a vulnerable and mortifying prospect, honestly, but that adds to the fun). The comics are already paired up and writing, plus, they'll be doing stand-up sets to keep us all grounded, and you all laughing extra.
I’ll be hosting this fabulous lineup of funny females I respect and adore! Featuring Dayna Lieberman, Julie Santini, Flo Penicaud, Saanya Nanda, Elspeth Wright, and Abby Stonehouse. That's hella talent in one place, Y’all, and I'm touched I get to play with these folks. Get your tickets, and come experience something new!
WHAT: Ladyfest presents Toast’Er: Compliments Are Poppin’ Up
WHERE: BMP Co-op, 3714 Parc Ave., Montreal, H2X 2J1
WHEN: Monday, November 24, Doors @ 815, Show @ 830
METRO: Place-des-Arts (Green)
TICKETS: LePointDeVente
World’s Smallest Comedy Night has so many cool things happening, so here are their events this week in order!
What Do You Know? Like, Seriously…
Tonight! Come to Hurley's for Trivia Night, and get bonus laughter! Enjoy delicious pub fare, and get ready to show off your trivia skills. Grab your team, and enjoy this night of comedy, friendly competition, and great company!
This edition is hosted by Zak Kik! Featuring Miguel McKenna, Nazeer Khan, and Peter Bowen.
WHAT: Trivia Night at Hurley's
WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Every Wednesday @ 8 PM
METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)
DETAILS: Facebook
Classic Coke
Beat the Monday Blues with WSC’s OG offering, The World's Smallest Comedy Night!
Enjoy a showcase of the best comedians in the city, hot up-and-comers, national and international touring comics, and surprises!
Hosted by Vance Michel! Featuring Matthew Bourjeli, James Mancini, Pierre Lajeunesse, Steve P Adams, Conrad Winton, Edyson Dufort, and Miguel McKenna.
WHAT: The World's Smallest Comedy Night
WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Every Monday, Doors @ 7 PM, Show @ 8 PM
METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)
TICKETS: Eventbrite
Dirty Monday
The Monday Night Dirty Mic is the place to be! Hosted by Vance Michel, every show is an unpredictable and unique experience as a hilarious collection of comedians from newbs to pros take the stage. See the best before anyone else, and catch seasoned locals doing their freshest funnies!
Comics: show-up, sign-up
WHAT: Monday Night Dirty Mic
WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Every Monday, Sign-up @ 10 PM, Show @ 1030 PM
METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)
DETAILS: Facebook
McSweeney’s List drops every Wednesday with the best events, workshops, and more, each week in Montreal!
