McSweeney’s List (2 July 2025)
I don't like being a hard ass. I mean, I'm pretty good at it, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. It's like that meme “I'm a strong, independent woman, against my will”. I understand that some situations call for firm, or even stern lines to be drawn; I take the perpetual smile off my face, I take my voice down an octave. I say what needs saying, and maybe an extra thing that people don't intend to hear out loud. Like that time a woman in my office didn't like the answer I gave her, and started fake crying. I gave her a minute, and said “does this usually work for you?”, and she immediately went back to her normal voice, no tears in sight. Calling out bullshit steals its power. It also makes you the bad guy when you point out that the emperor has no clothes; it drives home the implied consent of those who have let it get this far.
My day job finds me at a front desk, working with the public. For the most part, I am touched by the kindness and gentle hearts of those I interact with. On the other side of the coin, I get people who are demanding, entitled, disrespectful, and loud. These are people who will call you rude for not giving them the response they want. In fact, I’ve told more than a few people that I'm not being rude, I'm simply giving them an answer they don't like. However, if we follow the logic tree back, it's proof that this behavior has worked for them in the past. That if they appeal to someone's fear of being rude, the person will capitulate, erase their boundaries, and give them what they want. It takes a whole lot of people doing that over the course of years for an adult to think they can bully someone into doing their bidding.
In my personal life, I often find it harder to stand my ground. That glitch also took years of reinforcement to create. My parents created a household in which love was less a verb, and moreso permission for bad behaviour. It's like that meme that says something like some people think love is about how much you can tolerate. There were very few boundaries growing up, and even fewer apologies, just a mountain in the living room of all the things that had been swept under the rug. In that house, love not only meant not having to say you're sorry, it also meant you had to forgive every transgression. I quickly developed an ability to speak the truth (even in rooms where it’s unwelcome), and built up an emotional arson kit, ready to burn bridges at a moment's notice.
It was a good theory, but once love got involved, I found myself in the same trap. See, my parents were touting hurt people, hurt people before it was cool. But think of why they acted like that, they would say. Surely they were pained, or scared; they didn't really mean to say that, or throw that, or call you that, they just didn't have a better way. That thought process was insidious. While I do think it's important to realize that we're all just doing our best with the tools that we've got, applying that logic too hard will get you victimized as you tolerate shit in the name of love, and the other person will have no reason to ever stop.
Decades later, I can now separate my feelings from my requirements. I can love someone, but if they don't do right by me, I do not feel compelled to maintain a relationship with them. Love is a verb, and actions speak louder than words. You can walk away from bad, or even inadequate situations with your head held high and loads of love still in your heart, as long as you love yourself first and foremost.
Boundaries are still tricky for me in friendships and business. I genuinely get frustrated when I have to stand up for myself, because in my heart, it really feels like do unto others as you would have others do unto you (the Bible has some real OG memes). My insides twist up as I wonder where this person got the impression they could speak to me / treat me / dismiss me this way. If we teach people how to treat us, then surely something has been lost in translation. One thing I find helpful is when possible, I check with people I trust. Just the other day I was discussing with a friend whether something was said maliciously or not. “Actually, I don't think they meant it that way,” they said. “How could they not? They said it exactly that way!” I countered. “Well, the problem is, they're genuinely stupid. So, I don't think they meant it that way.” Oh. Fair enough; I often forget the variable of stupidity, assuming everyone is at least as smart as I am.
When there‘s no doubt about the intention, or when my feelings are bubbling over, I check with a very specific panel of judges. My Bestie is always ready to hand me the can of gasoline. He gets more livid than I do about injustices (real or perceived) done unto me, and I appreciate it. He clocks disrespect I don't even see, and I need someone with zero tolerance nearby to check the facts. I don't always take his advice as I'm in my Quietly Walk Away Era, and reserve arson for the moments that seem like pivotal plot points, dramatic movie scenes, and times when my kindness and patience have been thoroughly exhausted. I check with my High Vibes friend, who reminds me that I deserve the highest, and can simply cut out anyone who doesn't serve that up. No muss, no fuss, no fires, just taking myself out of situations that are beneath my best, or no longer serve my spirit. My BF is unaffected by the small slights life inevitably serves up (while I elbow pushy people in crowds). He's also pro-malicious compliance, and creative tactics. More a poison guy than a bridge burner, his advice is measured, subtle, and sneaky. My daughter will give me the objective truth as she sees it: “Ugh, why do you even talk to them? I wouldn't put up with that.” She also isn't afraid to tell me I'm wrong, overreacting, or seeing things sideways.
Once I have everyone's opinions, I add them to my feelings, and I have a better sense of where my lines need to be drawn, fortified, or where my troops can stand down. Now, there's a good chance that I've already reacted by then, which renders this an academic process, but one I try to learn from for next time. If I have yet to act, I'm better poised to do so in a balanced fashion that will serve me in the long run.
So I ask you, Dear Reader, how are your fortifications? Are they really protecting you, or are they so hardcore they're keeping out the good? Do you even have lines drawn in the sand? Gather your advisory committee close. Step out of range of those who keep aiming at you. Set the fires that need to burn, and walk away slo-mo like an action hero (because you are one). Tell those you want to maintain relations with what you require to do so (if they care, they will make moves to change. If they don't, cut ‘em loose). Don't be shy, and remember that honest communication is the only way you'll ever get what you want.
SUMMER READING
The Montreal Review of Books launches its Summer 2025 issue on Thursday, July 3rd at Casa del Popolo (4873 St Laurent Blvd)! Join us for readings from H. Nigel Thomas (A Different Hurricane, Dundurn Press), stephanie roberts (UNMET, Biblioasis) and Gabrielle Drolet (Look Ma, No Hands, Penguin Random House).
Doors at 6:30
Readings at 7:00
For those unable to attend in person, readings will be live-streamed on our YouTube page: https://www.youtube.com/@aelaq.
Artwork by Carl-Philippe Simonise, detail from Untitled, 2023. Acrylic on canvas, 60" x 96".
Accessibility information: Casa Del Popolo is located on ground level. There are ramps on both the venue and bar front entrances for wheelchair accessibility. Washrooms are gender neutral and one is wheelchair accessible.
WHAT: Montreal Review of Books Summer Launch
WHERE: Casa del Popolo, 4873 St Laurent Blvd, Montreal, Quebec H2T 1R6
WHEN: Thursday, July 3 @ 7PM
METRO: Laurier (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
Laughs With Friends
Bulge x Tales of Gender Affirmation present The Friendly Show!
It's a comedy night all about chosen family, and BFFLs.
They're serving up stand-up from hilarious queer comics, sharing stories about the weird, wild, and wonderful friends in their lives!
Come with your bestie — or make a new one! The night kicks off with a speed friending activity. It's totally optional, but highly encouraged for the bold, the curious, or the a-little-bit-lonely.
In support of Friends With Benefits, an event series raising funds for LGBTQ-serving non-profits. Proceeds from The Friendly Show will go to Egale Canada, an organization working to improve the lives of 2SLGBTQI people through research, education, policy, and advocacy.
WHAT: The Friendly Show
WHERE: Theatre St. Catherine Café-Bar
WHEN: Friday, July 4, Speed Friending @ 6 PM to 730 PM, Show @ 8 PM
METRO: Berri-UQAM
TICKETS: Zeffy
Drop It Like It's Hot
The heat is on at this year's Montreal Carimas Festival! Costumes, culture, food, fun, and music, music, music!!!! Check out the bands that’ll be playing: Desire Carnival, World by Storme, West Can, TNT-One Montreal, Rendez Vous Mas, and Big Daddy Mix.
The parade begins at Rene-Levesque corner of Jeanne-Mance, making its way to Place du Canada Park where the party keeps going!
From noon to 6 PM it's a free outdoorSoca festival! Hosted by Christcella, Luigi & Ziploks, the stage will be blazing with high-energy DJ sets by DJ Marlon, DJ Fireblaze, DJ Surge, DJ Jerry Magic & Production Sounds — plus unforgettable performances by Tallpree, and a full lineup of local talent bringing pure fire!
Come for the music, stay for the culture, and leave with some food from local vendors!
WHAT: Carimas Montreal
WHERE: Rene-Levesque / Jeanne-Mance
WHEN: Saturday, July 5, 12 PM start
METRO: Place D’Armes (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
protect our protesters!
WHAT: Protect Our Protesters! Silent Auction & Variety Show
WHERE: Casa del Popolo, 4873 St Laurent Blvd, Montreal, Quebec H2T 1R6
WHEN: Sunday, July 5 @ 7PM
METRO: Laurier (Orange)
TICKETS: Venue Pilot
words that move you
Accent Vol. 117: "Travel" with Tanya Bellehumeur-Allatt, Brian O'Neill, Orane Thibaud
Doors: 8pm
Free
Sign up for the Open Mic at the door.
WHAT: Accent Open Mic Vol. 117 - Travel
WHERE: Bar La Marche à côté, 5043 Saint Denis St, Montreal, Quebec H2J 2L8
WHEN: Sunday, July 6 @ 8PM
METRO: Laurier (Orange)
DETAILS: Facebook
World's Smallest Week
World’s Smallest Comedy Night has so many cool things happening, so here are their events this week in order!
What Do You Know? Like, Seriously…
Tonight! Come to Hurley's for Trivia Night, and get bonus laughter! Enjoy delicious pub fare, and get ready to show off your trivia skills. Grab your team, and enjoy this night of comedy, friendly competition, and great company! Hosted by Vance Michel.
WHAT: Trivia Night at Hurley's
WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Every Wednesday @ 8 PM
METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)
RSVP: Eventbrite
West Side Representation
Thursday, head West for more killer comedy!
Get ready to laugh your socks off at Rustik Pub & Grill with Cheap Laughs!
Montreal's most talented comedians and touring pros hit the stage at the legendary local haunt, Rustik. Make your East-side friends come to your part of town for a change, or come explore the NDG for yourself! It's a chill and hilarious night every time.
This week, they're once again giving you top shelf comedy at rock bottom prices! Join Erik Intrevado, Milly Bridges, Jason Houle, Ray Resvick, Serag Meletian, Isabelle Gaumont, Rose-Ingrid Benjamin, Julie Santini, and Walter Lyng!
WHAT: Cheap Laughs at Rustik Pub
WHERE: Rustik Pub & Grill, 5621 Sherbrooke St. W., Montreal, H4A 1W4
WHEN: Thursday, July 3, Doors @ 7 PM, Show @ 8 PM
METRO: Vendôme (Orange)
TICKETS: Eventbrite
Classic Coke
Beat the Monday Blues with WSC’s OG offering, The World's Smallest Comedy Night!
Enjoy a showcase of the best comedians in the city, hot up-and-comers, national and international touring comics, and surprises!
Hosted by Vance Michel, this week features Charles Montgomery, Steve Patrick Adams, Nazeer Khan, Arthur Sim Jr., Dan Kestler, Joel Slavick, and more!
WHAT: The World's Smallest Comedy Night
WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Monday, May 12 Doors @ 7 PM, Show @ 8 PM
METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)
TICKETS: Eventbrite
Dirty Monday
The Monday Night Dirty Mic is the place to be! Hosted by Vance Michel, every show is an unpredictable and unique experience as a hilarious collection of comedians from newbs to pros take the stage. See the best before anyone else, and catch seasoned locals doing their freshest funnies!
Comics: show-up, sign-up!
WHAT: Monday Night Dirty Mic
WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1
WHEN: Every Monday, Sign-up @ 1020 PM, Show @ 1030 PM
METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)
DETAILS: Facebook
McSweeney’s List drops every Wednesday with the best events, workshops, and more, each week in Montreal!
