My Kiddo messaged me the other day, saying that she is the most awkward person alive. She'd gone to an interview, and I dunno, she's my daughter, so she probably kept wondering what to do with her hands, and if her face was facing correctly. I was shocked, because she's one of the most normal people I know. I mean, granted, there's a whole lot under the surface, but you'd have to go deep to really clock her weird bits. Off the rip, she's completely normal presenting, and can mitigate all sorts of social scenarios that would make me itchy.

Well, fuck. I thought. If she can't mix with the normies, and feels like a weirdo, it's a miracle I'm not wearing a tin foil hat and speaking in tongues. I've made a steady practice of avoiding normies -- the ones who discuss lawn growth, and buy brand name shoes for their non-walking babies. Granted, a lot of those people are complete weirdos when you get to know them, but there really are those whose depths only go as far as the mall. I'm pretty sure they don't have internal monologues, and have never questioned the nature of existence. Or maybe they questioned it long enough to decide they never wanted to consider it again. (I've tried to make that choice, evidenced by my previous attempts at being suburban, and the times I've dabbled in brunches, and frivolous mid-day shopping as a viable hobby. It never sticks.)

Now, my daughter likes high class circles. She likes things a bit bougie; when she was small, and it was announced that she was allergic to all metals save for gold and silver, I thought of course she is. (To be honest, I’m not even sure it was a doctor, I think it was just her grandmother.) It made sense with her mighty and opinionated personality. I knew that all the things that made her tricky to parent (she would ask tough questions, and out-logic me from a young age, which was uh, humbling), would make her a wildly successful adult. She would rise out of my social class, rise above my education level, and be able to move easily between cliques, accepted everywhere. Even when she feels awkward, no one would ever know.

On the other hand, everyone knows when I'm feeling awkward, because I say holy shit, this is awkward, or some equivalent thereof. I've learned that acknowledging the weirdness takes the air out of its sails. It doesn't necessarily squash all the weird, but it certainly makes it more tolerable. In group settings where people are uncertain, or getting to know each other, admitting that the awkwardness exists is often enough to release the tension; we all felt it, but thought we were the only ones, and now that the Elephant’s out of the bag (see what I did there?), we can all laugh about it. Or him. Or her. We’re all laughing.

On a recent episode of Kill Tony, a comedian interjected that he didn't know what to do with his hands. Tony Hinchliffe responded that none of us ever do. It was an aside, a throwaway line, but poignant. It was a secret given to this unknown up-and-comer: even the Big Dogs don't know what the hell to do with their hands; they're basically pretending. Fake It Til You Make also applies to basic things, like carrying these weird bodies around and trying to make them look normal.

Another perennially awkward situation is flirting. Sure, some people are suave, slick, have lines and “game”. Entertaining as that can be, it always strikes me as inauthentic. It’s like someone with a ring of keys, trying one after the other, hoping something clicks. Meh. I’m not interested in dating a janitor. That's the safe, boring, mathematical way to approach a potential mate. Recently I texted a crush “you're super cute, I mean handsome, I mean cool cool, talk soon.” Sure, I could've texted something classier, or been more confident; hell, I could've asked the soon to be AI overlords for a line, but that wouldn't have been true to me. I just sent what was in my brain, because that sets a realistic standard. If he hadn't found it charming, he probably wouldn't enjoy the cacophony of my mind in general, let alone the layers of my personality. Thankfully, he speaks my language, goofiness and all (hello, Handsome Reader).

That's what we all really want and deserve: people and places where our awkward natures are understood, respected, safe to express themselves. Because if we're weirdos together, we’re not really weird. We might be weird to Them, but fuck Them, let's focus on Us. As soon as we find that sense of belonging and acceptance, we become the cool kids. We set the group standard, allowing others to let down their guard, and be their own weird-ass selves. The true normies don't know what to do with that, and will naturally stay away. It becomes a secret bird song, calling all the weirdos to the party. And soon, you aren't awkward at all; instead, you've found your flock, your voice, your partner. Leaning into your unique sense of strangeness will inevitably liberate you while filtering out the people who make you feel like an outcast.

So, fidget, fall, and drop things, Dear Readers. Stumble on your words, and say shit that doesn't always hit. Know that we're all confused about how we became unattended adults, and how we’re perceived by others. Take a deep breath, and take comfort in the fact that we all feel ridiculous, and none of us ever know what the hell to do with our hands

Takeover Tonight!

Forget The Box is teaming up with Peel Pub Comedy! Catch us tonight as we pull the winners of our Fringe Review Lottery live on stage! We’ve gotten tons of submissions for our 3rd annual Fringe Review Frenzy, and tonight we find out what we’ll be seeing! Erik Intrevado hosts the open mic, and the comedy is killer! It's a triple threat: you can support FTB, local shows, and comedy all at once! Come on down!

Comics: show up / sign up

WHAT: FTB x Peel Pub Comedy

WHERE: Peel Pub, 1196 Peel St., Montreal, H3B 2T6

WHEN: Wednesday, May 28, Sign up @ 830 PM, Show @ 9 PM

METRO: Peel (Green)

DETAILS: Facebook

Glass Slipper

Hear ye! Hear ye! The West Island Theatre Association (WISTA) is thrilled to head back onstage with the upcoming production of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella.

A sparkling new production of the beloved classic reimagines the timeless fairytale with a modern twist, featuring an enchanting score, stunning visuals, and a story filled with romance, magic, and heart.

This tale of a kind-hearted young woman who dreams of a better future is brought to life with lavish sets, elaborate costumes, and a cast that will captivate audiences of all ages. Follow Cinderella on her journey from hardship to happiness, with the help of a magical fairy godmother, a dashing prince, and a little bit of fairy tale magic.

It’s a magical carriage ride you'll never forget!

Fun fact: Louise Chalmers was my high school drama teacher, and she’s a delight! I'm glad they named the theatre after her; it's a well deserved tribute, and makes me smile every time it comes up.

WHAT: Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella

WHERE: Louise Chalmers Theatre, 501 St. Jean Blvd., Pointe Claire, H9R 3J5

WHEN: Friday, May 30 through Saturday, June 7, Multiple showtimes

METRO: Um, no.

TICKETS: WISTA

Local Listens

Not so very long ago, local comedy podcasts were a rarity. Thankfully, the city's found some mics, and we've joined the party in force. Here are some of the killer casts you should lend an ear to.

Rapid Flames

Vance Michel aka Vito Blaze, aka “whatever the fuck I want to be” has been setting fire to the airwaves with Rapid Flames for nearly 5 years. He's recently joined by co-host DJ D Ultra aka local comedian Daniel Jeremiah, adding a new layer to the show. Catch them talking local things, personal stuff, and the never ending supply of crazy in the pop culture zeitgeist. Always unfiltered, never a dull moment!

Rapid Flames on Spotify

Drunk By Noon

The Canadian Comedy Cartel is a comedy collective founded on quality comedy, local talent, and independent productions. That right there is right up my alley. They've just started their podcast, Drunk By Noon, featuring Michael Pecker, Peter Bowen, Samson Cooperman, and Yu Bai. The format is exactly what I like about podcasts: funny people riffing on their lives, the news, and whatever comes to mind. Plus they have video, so it feels like you're part of a hang while you're doing your shit.

Drunk By Noon on Spotify

Go Plug Yourself

Started in 2019, this is the first local podcast I found when I went looking. Host Keith Heistermann talks to talented Montrealers about what they’re up to, bringing much needed attention to local artists. I had the pleasure of being on the show with Andrew Jamieson, and it very quickly went from oh shit, what will we say, to a warm and casual conversation. It was a great time, and it's always a great listen.

Go Plug Yourself of Spotify

Advice By The Fireplace

Another classic on the scene, Daniel Carin's been hosting Advice By The Fireplace since 2019. He interviews local comics, both the ones you know, and the ones about to blow up. Together they shoot some shit, and answer listener questions. This is the only one on the list that goes live on actual factual radio, every Wednesday at 5 PM on CJLO 1690 AM. You can catch them on Spotify later, so you can start from the beginning now, if you wanna!

Advice By The Fireplace on Spotify

World's Smallest Week

World’s Smallest Comedy Night has so many cool things happening, so here are their events this week in order!

What Do You Know? Like, Seriously…

Tonight! Come to Hurley's for Trivia Night, and get bonus laughter! The theme for this week is The Simpsons! Grab a pint, enjoy delicious pub fare, and get ready to show off your trivia skills. Grab your team, and enjoy this night of comedy, friendly competition, and great company! Hosted by Vance Michel, this week features Nazeer Khan, James Mancini, and Peter Bowen.

WHAT: Trivia Night at Hurley's

WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1

WHEN: Every Wednesday @ 8 PM

METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)

RSVP: Eventbrite

Classic Coke

Beat the Monday Blues with WSC’s OG offering, The World's Smallest Comedy Night!

Enjoy a showcase of the best comedians in the city, hot up-and-comers, national and international touring comics, and surprises!

Hosted by Vance Michel, this week features Julie Santini, Radu Sona, Dan Kestler-Amours, Steve Patrick Adams, Alvaro Salvagno, Naga Thovinakere, and Hayley Renee Garcau.

WHAT: The World's Smallest Comedy Night

WHERE: Hurley's Irish Pub, 1225 Crescent St., Montreal, H3G 2B1

WHEN: Monday, May 12 Doors @ 7 PM, Show @ 8 PM

METRO: Lucien l'Allier (Orange) & Guy-Concordia (Green)

TICKETS: Eventbrite

Dirty Monday

The Monday Night Dirty Mic is the place to be! Hosted by Vance Michel, every show is an unpredictable and unique experience as a hilarious collection of comedians from newbs to pros take the stage. See the best before anyone else, and catch seasoned locals doing their freshest funnies!

Comics: show-up, sign-up